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artemis jones

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Tap, tap, tap.... is this thing on? [28 Jul 2016|04:25pm]
Just checked in and saw how awful things were the last time I opened up this mess. That was a fun night for sure.
Have to say, things are exponentially better now.
He did score a job, and has been happily selling hammers and other tool related objects to what seems to be droves of Hispanics and Russians from the way he describes it every day. I'm pretty sure they're all soccer moms, but what do I know?
I absolutely love where my career has ended up. There are more projects than I know what to do with, and everybody in the building (and outside of it really), has realized that I am the one that will know the answer to their question, the first time they ask. This is both a blessing and a curse, as I get the pride of being known for my accomplishments, and yet I get irked when my phone is constantly ringing. Ah well, c'est la vie.
This is so good. Totally in love, I make enough money to pay all my bills and still have fancy coffee almost every day, and I have a productive bowel movement each morning like clockwork. Go back to me 4 years ago, when my life was falling apart, and tell her that everything will be ok, she just needs to hold on.
I do miss the littles.
Most days they just tip toe across the back of my mind. I catch myself telling a story of when Liam was still in diapers, or when Gareth started school, when Aidan and I threw rocks at cars. They're not those beings anymore. Now they are almost teenagers with new friends and new faces, people that may not recognize me on a crowded street, but in my happy place they are the littles, and the sun is shining, and they are happy.
We talk of getting married, but it feels like a dream. Something that gets mentioned, fantasized about, but could never actually happen in real life, right? I've made it this far without anyone wanting to marry me, I can't wrap my head around it.
He is my best friend, he is my soulmate. I am a hallmarky bitch, but I am stupid happy.

Here's to the future.

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Hysteria [20 Sep 2013|07:55am]
I've never actually seen anybody become hysterical before.

My Andrew has been looking for work for months.
He's gone on interviews, gone to employment services, and splattered the internet with his resume.
Everyday he gets more depressed, as he sits on the couch waiting for me to get home from work.

He has a weak grip on sanity sometimes, as we all do, and for him, the solace is music. He puts on his headphones and can tune out the world for a minute or an hour, and make things ok.

Yesterday he woke with an ominous feeling, chased away panic all day, thinking that something bad was going to happen to his dad. Heard from dad, all is well. I get home and he's still uneasy, and depressed, and ranting about how he doesn't know what to do.

Then the headphones break.

Then all hell breaks loose. Yelling, throwing things, crying.... then laughing. Cackling really. For over an hour, all he did was stare at the ceiling and laugh. He called his father and told him he might jump off a bridge. He laughed some more. He said some nasty shit.
I did some reading on the internet on my phone on how to deal with hysteria (because it was super obvious what it was) and so I just sat with him, let him rant, made sure he didn't jump. I listened to him forever, it felt like.

Then he came back, he put his arms around me a cried.
I took him to bed and cuddled him. I know it sucks, I know depression is nasty, I know....

All I can do is love him, and bring him my headphones from work when I get home today.

I really hope he catches a break soon....

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"Smothering" [06 Sep 2013|03:28pm]
Of course I'm smothering.
I have been cheated on more times than I can count. Things always end in tears. I'm tired of being the strong one.

I am supposed to not live, or love, with fear. But fuck, that is a very hard thing to do.

How does one go about being so fiercely in love with someone, and having that someone love you back just as fiercely, and just relax and let the chaos of the world swirl around you without fearing that this wonderful feeling will get torn away with the riptide?

Fuck. Relax. He loves you. He's not going anywhere. Now all you have to do is trust him.

I tried that before.
this is different.
I said that before too.
Yeah, but THIS really is different.

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Irritation [12 Aug 2013|08:16am]
I love him.
I do not want to kill him.
I am very irritated that I was woken up several times during the night because he was staying up to play Xbox with friends across country.
I understand that he doesn't really have an "real life" friends, and that spending time socializing is important.
I just wish that he would think of the fact that I have to get up for work at 6, while he can sleep most of the day if he wants to.

(Expecting a call for a job any minute, then he will understand that 6 am every morning is it's own special ring in hell)

Grrr... more coffee

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Broke as a joke.... [02 Aug 2013|02:16pm]
I have worked my entire life, except for the brief interlude where I went back to college, which actually was harder work than any job I have ever had in my life, and for which I ended up owing money.... figure that out.
In the few years since I graduated from college, I have been crawling farther and farther into the money pit.
Yeah, I can cop out and blame it on Sundance, and the fact that he wouldn't get a job or contribute to the finances in any way. But that would be cheap, as it is as much my fault, and the universe's as anyone else's.
I don't know how to save money.
When I have dollars in my pocket I want to spend them.
I want to go out to dinner, and buy new clothes, and buy gifts for people I love.
I never think, "Oh, I will totally need this $50 for cigarettes next week."
I really need to learn how to do that.

Today I am in a scary place. I have a job I love, a home I love, and a boy I adore keeping me warm in our bed.
I don't make enough money to keep all this, unless I REALLY learn how to handle money.
I keep waiting for the windfall to come. Maybe this week I will get that raise I have been promised. Maybe this week I will win the lottery. Maybe this week my beautiful boy will get a phone call from all the jobs that have been applied for. Maybe he will take care of me, or at least take me out for fancy dinner.

I rant about it, and it makes him feel guilty. this is the last thing that I want.
He says that he is a burden, that he should move out of our nest. this is a nightmare to me.

Then I could be broke and lonely.
Our bed would be cold.

fuck this cycle. I'm tired of the "no money" dance. I would like to play the "extra couple thousand $$$s game for awhile." I want to REALLY be able to blow some cash, not just wasting a couple bucks on fancy coffee.

Priorities. Even my daydreams are not about saving, but about flying to Fiji with him to swim in the ocean and smoke some thai stick....

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[01 Aug 2013|03:13pm]
In other news, one of my coworkers found out today that she has breast cancer.
She left in tears, of course, and it isn't known when she is going to be back.

What does this mean for me? I get to do her job too, as well as my own, for the foreseeable future.

And the program that we're using is so overloaded that it sometimes takes 5 minutes to make 1 invoice for billing.

And I have over 1000 of them to build....


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Doubt [01 Aug 2013|03:00pm]
I have had my heart broken too many times.
I have lost my easy trust.
the only way to achieve the blissful love that I crave is with trust.

I had it, for a minute.

Then he fucked it up. Nothing serious, nothing worth freaking out over, but a mistake that killed the trust.

WE had our first fight, Roo and I. I mourned the loss of the bliss.

Now we get to start over, and heal.

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How do I do this again? [17 Jun 2013|08:51pm]
I am slowly but surely remembering who I am, but this is an interesting sensation, knowing who you used to be, and knowing who you were most recently, and trying to convince those two or three or fifteen people that they can all reside happily inside this skin....

So I bought a vinyl corset, and I want to find the music again.
I wonder if I can do this again.

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Trust [07 Jun 2013|10:34am]
Trust is a very hard thing for me.
Every man I have ever given my heart to has stomped it into the ground, while I was obliviously smiling in the sunshine and cooing over how happy I was.
I am always left in the pit, flogging myself for being blinded by love.

This time I am trying to love with my eyes wide open, but I find myself suspicious, when all he asks is that I trust him.
I am trying, it is very hard to do both, when you have been smacked in the face so many times.

So I repeat. Trust him. Trust him. Trust him.
I wonder when I will figure out how, and I hope I don't regret it.
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So tired.... [06 Jun 2013|09:16pm]
Like I might have a dollar in my wallet, and I have a few cigarettes to my name, and there isn't anything good to eat in the fridge so I'm stuck with weird dinner night broke.
Tired of this shit.

I have a really great job that I love, with people that are fucking awesome, but they really need to pay me more. So that I can survive.
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Sneaky Rotten Liars [14 May 2013|07:53am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I am in love with a man who is a compulsive liar. A really bad liar who is easier to read than a toddler who has stolen the last bit of chocolate out of your purse and has it smeared all over his face. I told him when we started this, whatever this is, that he didn't need to lie to me. That whatever this is would only work if we were both honest with each other... It's very hard for me to trust men anyways after my past wonderfucks... Blah.

He says he's trying. I'm trying not to kick him in the teeth. Stupid shit, if you need to lie about something, at least make it something worth lying about. Own the chocolate, tell me how delicious it was, take your lashings.

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Tired... [01 May 2013|04:55pm]
I am totally in love with the place I am working nowadays. It is the perfect mixture of chaos and structure, of serious brain work mixed with tedium and a bit of tomfoolery.

Today though, I am seriously ready for a beer in the tub.

Somebody here discovered how capable I really am, so now I get ALL the big projects... and then when one of my coworker's fathers decides that he needs to go to hospice at the beginning of the month when all of our invoicing needs to be done, that Rachel and can just handle her job on top of my own...

I hope they eventually start paying me more.

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Rising from the ashes... [30 Apr 2013|02:50pm]
In need of somewhere to rant and rave where no one who is involved or will freak out when they see it. I'm tired of my mother telling me what I'm doing wrong with my life, even when I'm working hardest to keep my shit together and work toward getting out of this financial hole. I am in love... what's new, right? He's entirely too young. I say it doesn't matter... but somewhere it does or I wouldn't notice it.

I'm just drunk on his warm skin.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

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[03 Mar 2012|11:15pm]
Remembering how wonderful livejournal is... then realizing that I have been cheating on her with that dirty whore Faceyspace...

Sorry sweetie. You will always be my true love. I should take you out of the box and blow the dust off.
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Winter quarter [05 Nov 2010|11:48am]
I am scheduled to register for winter quarter on November 18th.
I am super stoked about this time, because I will be one of the first registrants, which means I will get my classes.
I am super freaked out because I sat down the other day and figured out what the program wanted me to take next, when these classes were offered, and what I could do online (I really like doing school from my comfy chair.)
Found out that I will be at school at 8oclock every morning, and that on Wednesday I will be there from 8am until 9pm... with a 2 hour break in the middle (right about time for my kids to come home from school) to come home and say hi, and eat and stuff...
19 credits. Been nice knowing you, see you in the spring.
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[29 Oct 2010|12:33pm]
I have been doing amazingly well at school.
I forgot that I am really good at absorbing information, and that I am really smart.
My AP teacher asked me the other day about my program, and when I told her that I am going for Billing/Coding, she told me that she doesn't understand any of "that stuff".
A short time, and then I will be doing something that I love for work, and making really good money doing it..

TickTickTick goes the clock...
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Frustrations.... [26 Oct 2010|09:32pm]
1. kids from morning till night not hearing me unless I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and then doing whatever they want to anyway.

2. cats that do the same thing, AND expect me to drop everything (including sleeping) to open the door for them.

3. Him screaming all the fucking time.

4. Me working my ass off at school and there not being any money for anything fun.

5. Neither him nor her having a job, or even trying to get one...

6. getting chased out of my own livingroom because I don't smoke pot.

7. the fact that I am not a young woman anymore, that it feels like there aren't late night outings, parties, or young men to flirt with... there is just this, again, tomorrow.

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Oh me oh my [25 Oct 2010|11:43pm]

It has been a really long time, sometimes I wonder why I haven't been keeping up with this? It's not like facebook has been any kind of surrogate. When I think back to all of the friends that I met through LJ, all of the spontaneous parties that were launched, all of the ridiculous fights that were waged, all of the love that I found here... how would I ever think that seeing someone's picture, or a list of their favorite music could even compare?

Ok, in case anyone is still here... I left the bank, took a new job, got fired from said new job, and am now buried up to my eyeballs in college. Working on learning Medical billing and coding, I hear that's where the money is.
Still with Sundance. Still in this old house in town. Still yelling at the kids.

Just busier, and my hair got longer.

Miss me?
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Fuck the penal system in the neck [24 Mar 2009|03:08pm]
So Sundance missed a court date last week.
And they issued a warrant for his arrest.
And he went in on Monday to reschedule the court date and rid himself of the warrant.
And they asked him to come back this morning.
So he went back this morning, and they arrested him.
And he had my truck.
So I called Russ, who drove me to the bail guy.
And I used Sundance's money to bail him out.
And I walked to the jail, and waited for 3 hours for him to come out.
I had no breakfast, so I was starving, so I walked next door and bought a sandwich and a cup of coffee.
And I ate it, and I smoked.
And I went in to ask how much longer it was going to be,
And they told me that he needs to see a judge and won't be out till tomorrow, or whenever (her words.)
So I walked away cursing,
So I walked a grid looking for my truck.
So I walked across Mill Plain and walked the scary neighborhood looking for my truck.
So it started raining,
So my backpack was way too heavy,
So I didn't get enough sleep and my boyfriend is in jail overnight and he is going to be a really cranky bitch in the morning and he can't even call me cuz all we have is cell phones and I'm worried about him and my sandwich is making my stomach yucky and I have cramps and I am very angry that NOBODY EVEN BOTHERED TO TELL ME THAT I COULDN'T TAKE HIM HOME AND I WAS WAITING FOR NOTHING!!!!

Fucking crappy bastards.

So I am not going to work.
So I am going to have a migrane.


(At least he thought enough to leave my keys hidden in the magnet thing)
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work [12 Mar 2009|03:13pm]
So the last 2 nights at work they were laying people off. It was scary and ridiculous sitting there trying to work while people all around me were being led off to meetings with the big boss never to come back. Everyone was crying and the tension was overwhelming. I had to take Xanax just in able to function. I cried when I got home on Tuesday night, just as a release. Now it's over, and I still have a job, thank the gods.

Now I really want to find somewhere else to work...
They fired Patsy, our grandma at work, and when she was being walked out she said "don't you dare fire my team, they are good workers and good kids..."

I am going to miss her...
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