Just checked in and saw how awful things were the last time I opened up this mess. That was a fun night for sure.
Have to say, things are exponentially better now.
He did score a job, and has been happily selling hammers and other tool related objects to what seems to be droves of Hispanics and Russians from the way he describes it every day. I'm pretty sure they're all soccer moms, but what do I know?
I absolutely love where my career has ended up. There are more projects than I know what to do with, and everybody in the building (and outside of it really), has realized that I am the one that will know the answer to their question, the first time they ask. This is both a blessing and a curse, as I get the pride of being known for my accomplishments, and yet I get irked when my phone is constantly ringing. Ah well, c'est la vie.
This is so good. Totally in love, I make enough money to pay all my bills and still have fancy coffee almost every day, and I have a productive bowel movement each morning like clockwork. Go back to me 4 years ago, when my life was falling apart, and tell her that everything will be ok, she just needs to hold on.
I do miss the littles.
Most days they just tip toe across the back of my mind. I catch myself telling a story of when Liam was still in diapers, or when Gareth started school, when Aidan and I threw rocks at cars. They're not those beings anymore. Now they are almost teenagers with new friends and new faces, people that may not recognize me on a crowded street, but in my happy place they are the littles, and the sun is shining, and they are happy.
We talk of getting married, but it feels like a dream. Something that gets mentioned, fantasized about, but could never actually happen in real life, right? I've made it this far without anyone wanting to marry me, I can't wrap my head around it.
He is my best friend, he is my soulmate. I am a hallmarky bitch, but I am stupid happy.
Here's to the future.
I've never actually seen anybody become hysterical before.
My Andrew has been looking for work for months.
He's gone on interviews, gone to employment services, and splattered the internet with his resume.
Everyday he gets more depressed, as he sits on the couch waiting for me to get home from work.
He has a weak grip on sanity sometimes, as we all do, and for him, the solace is music. He puts on his headphones and can tune out the world for a minute or an hour, and make things ok.
Yesterday he woke with an ominous feeling, chased away panic all day, thinking that something bad was going to happen to his dad. Heard from dad, all is well. I get home and he's still uneasy, and depressed, and ranting about how he doesn't know what to do.
Then the headphones break.
Then all hell breaks loose. Yelling, throwing things, crying.... then laughing. Cackling really. For over an hour, all he did was stare at the ceiling and laugh. He called his father and told him he might jump off a bridge. He laughed some more. He said some nasty shit.
I did some reading on the internet on my phone on how to deal with hysteria (because it was super obvious what it was) and so I just sat with him, let him rant, made sure he didn't jump. I listened to him forever, it felt like.
Then he came back, he put his arms around me a cried.
I took him to bed and cuddled him. I know it sucks, I know depression is nasty, I know....
All I can do is love him, and bring him my headphones from work when I get home today.
I really hope he catches a break soon....
Of course I'm smothering.
I have been cheated on more times than I can count. Things always end in tears. I'm tired of being the strong one.
I am supposed to not live, or love, with fear. But fuck, that is a very hard thing to do.
How does one go about being so fiercely in love with someone, and having that someone love you back just as fiercely, and just relax and let the chaos of the world swirl around you without fearing that this wonderful feeling will get torn away with the riptide?
Fuck. Relax. He loves you. He's not going anywhere. Now all you have to do is trust him.
I tried that before.
this is different.
I said that before too.
Yeah, but THIS really is different.
I love him.
I do not want to kill him.
I am very irritated that I was woken up several times during the night because he was staying up to play Xbox with friends across country.
I understand that he doesn't really have an "real life" friends, and that spending time socializing is important.
I just wish that he would think of the fact that I have to get up for work at 6, while he can sleep most of the day if he wants to.
(Expecting a call for a job any minute, then he will understand that 6 am every morning is it's own special ring in hell)
Grrr... more coffee
I have worked my entire life, except for the brief interlude where I went back to college, which actually was harder work than any job I have ever had in my life, and for which I ended up owing money.... figure that out.
In the few years since I graduated from college, I have been crawling farther and farther into the money pit.
Yeah, I can cop out and blame it on Sundance, and the fact that he wouldn't get a job or contribute to the finances in any way. But that would be cheap, as it is as much my fault, and the universe's as anyone else's.
I don't know how to save money.
When I have dollars in my pocket I want to spend them.
I want to go out to dinner, and buy new clothes, and buy gifts for people I love.
I never think, "Oh, I will totally need this $50 for cigarettes next week."
I really need to learn how to do that.
Today I am in a scary place. I have a job I love, a home I love, and a boy I adore keeping me warm in our bed.
I don't make enough money to keep all this, unless I REALLY learn how to handle money.
I keep waiting for the windfall to come. Maybe this week I will get that raise I have been promised. Maybe this week I will win the lottery. Maybe this week my beautiful boy will get a phone call from all the jobs that have been applied for. Maybe he will take care of me, or at least take me out for fancy dinner.
I rant about it, and it makes him feel guilty. this is the last thing that I want.
He says that he is a burden, that he should move out of our nest. this is a nightmare to me.
Then I could be broke and lonely.
Our bed would be cold.
fuck this cycle. I'm tired of the "no money" dance. I would like to play the "extra couple thousand $$$s game for awhile." I want to REALLY be able to blow some cash, not just wasting a couple bucks on fancy coffee.
Priorities. Even my daydreams are not about saving, but about flying to Fiji with him to swim in the ocean and smoke some thai stick....
In other news, one of my coworkers found out today that she has breast cancer.
She left in tears, of course, and it isn't known when she is going to be back.
What does this mean for me? I get to do her job too, as well as my own, for the foreseeable future.
And the program that we're using is so overloaded that it sometimes takes 5 minutes to make 1 invoice for billing.
And I have over 1000 of them to build....
I have had my heart broken too many times.
I have lost my easy trust.
the only way to achieve the blissful love that I crave is with trust.
I had it, for a minute.
Then he fucked it up. Nothing serious, nothing worth freaking out over, but a mistake that killed the trust.
WE had our first fight, Roo and I. I mourned the loss of the bliss.
Now we get to start over, and heal.
I am slowly but surely remembering who I am, but this is an interesting sensation, knowing who you used to be, and knowing who you were most recently, and trying to convince those two or three or fifteen people that they can all reside happily inside this skin....
So I bought a vinyl corset, and I want to find the music again.
I wonder if I can do this again.
Trust is a very hard thing for me.
Every man I have ever given my heart to has stomped it into the ground, while I was obliviously smiling in the sunshine and cooing over how happy I was.
I am always left in the pit, flogging myself for being blinded by love.
This time I am trying to love with my eyes wide open, but I find myself suspicious, when all he asks is that I trust him.
I am trying, it is very hard to do both, when you have been smacked in the face so many times.
So I repeat. Trust him. Trust him. Trust him.
I wonder when I will figure out how, and I hope I don't regret it.
Like I might have a dollar in my wallet, and I have a few cigarettes to my name, and there isn't anything good to eat in the fridge so I'm stuck with weird dinner night broke.
Tired of this shit.
I have a really great job that I love, with people that are fucking awesome, but they really need to pay me more. So that I can survive.